Hard to Kill

Steven Seagal is easily the hardest working person in show business. When he's not busy keeping New Orleans safe or developing energy drinks, he's kicking kicking some serious ass in his movies. In all honesty, the man just exhumes douchbaggery. He's a martial arts master, a musician, a PETA humanitarian, and a Buddhist. Wow, he really wanted to cover all the bases. Well a man as well versed in such a cluster fuck of arts must be a great actor, right? Totally right! I have never viewed an actor who takes his job so seriously despite the film's level of absurdity. In Hard to Kill, Seagal was hard to turn away from.

As one of the most nonsensically named characters of all time, Seagal plays Mason Storm. Storm is a cop who uncovers corruption at the highest levels of state government and at the lowest levels of the police force. In retaliation, some corrupt cops kill Storm's hot, supple breasted wife and put Storm into a seven year coma. When he finally wakes up looking like the man who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart, Storm embarks on a mission of revenge with his nurse (Kelly Lebrock) to massacre those who wronged him. Think Tuesdays with Morrie meets Kill Bill.

This movie casted two actors who dominated two decades. Lebrock murdered the 80s with Weird Science and The Woman in Red and Seagal would go on to destroy the 90s with Under Siege and a whole arsenal of straight to VHS movies. Their on screen chemistry is reminiscent of the Hippo and the Oxpecker bird. Seagal kills as many people in this movie as hippos do per year (the total is 2,900 deaths) and Lebrock chills on the side trying to clean him up with her tongue. I know, hot right? Even though Lebrock's character essentially kept Storm alive for seven years, he still acts pissed off whenever she says something stupid, much like a brother-sister relationship. A brother whose wife died and now kisses his sister....um. Yeah.

We can applaude Seagal and Lebrock all we want in this film, but the real credit goes to the ballsy Mr. Steven McKay. Who the fuck is Steven McKay you ask? He is the genius behind the one liners and dialogue of Hard to Kill. It takes a lot of guts to put on a stupid costume, but it takes even more guts to risk your career writing gems like these. What I was really impressed with was the level of maturity that Seagal delivered these lines. He proclaimed them like they were legitimate statements.

Hard to Kill shows us that films do not need to abide by genre standards. Film can poke fun at itself, it can accentuate the irreverent and exploit the unrealistic. At the end of the day, you will still be rooting for Seagal to break arms and legs and stick pool cues in bad guys necks no matter how stupid his monotone voice sounds. Because if you can't cheer for a man who bodyguards the Dalai Lama, well you just aren't living.