Storage Wars (TV EDITION)

It is common practice to sit back straight thumbs up after having your wisdom teeth removed. If you lay down on your back, the blod clots at the excavation sites could come loose and choke you to death. As you lay on the ground writhing for oxygen amidst the congealed blood stuck in your windpipe, you can't help but think, "Was it worth it all?" Well, I have no reason to even contemplate this future for myself because I am quite content sitting straight up. I am watching one of the most important shows of our generation, some would call it the televisual equivalent of Born to Run. This show is, of course, Storage Wars.

I've never reviewed a TV show before. This is new, unexplored territory like the Falkland Islands or a Black Hole. This show, a partially scripted, partial reality program follows five different entrepreneurs as they navigate the ever shifting roads of abandoned storage unit auctions. These people are Dave Hester, the son of a bitch who is often portrayed as the antagonist. If this were a movie about friends reuniting after a long period of time, Dave would definitely be the friend who sold out early on in his life to work for his girlfriend's father at the local car dealership. He is confrontational and flaunts his arrogant personality. There is Jarrod and Brandi, the young couple who constantly argue like a pair of old farts. This couple brings the much needed sexual tension to an already masculine dominated show. I'm almost certain that after a long day of bidding at auctions, Brandi rocks Jarrod's world. Just saying, she seems like kind of a sloot. Then we have Darrell, a big neo-Nazi looking goon. Actually, Darrell seems like a hooker with a heart of gold, except this hooker is actually a former Hell's Angel. Every time you see Darrell at an auction, you want him to just go ape shit and start beating someone's face in, but he doesn't because he would go to prison for breaking his probation. Finally, we have my personal favorite: Barry Weiss. This man is the pimp daddy of storage warriors. He is an old geezer whose age is actually yet to be determined. He acts like a wise guy and he talks like a 30 year old porn star. He is the kind of guy who shows up to an auction with Kenny Roger's son just for shits and giggles. I bet he pounds girls 10 years younger then him on the regular. I wouldn't be surprised if Brandi and Barry don't smash after the cameras turn off.

I do take some problems with the show, however. After every storage unit is sold and the items inside are inspected, the warriors take their special pieces to different authorities to figure out a price. Whenever they visit these experts, the price given is added to the total value the warrior has made from the storage unit. Whenever the expert gives a price range, the higher of the two prices are added to the value. Sometimes the ranges are as big as $400-$700 and the $700 is the added value. THIS IS HORSESHIT! What happens if the prospective buyer only gives $400? Then that means the warrior doesn't make a $350 profit off of the $350 storage unit he bought; it only means he made a $50 profit. This is outlandish. If anyone understood what I just wrote, you are not outlandish. What is outlandish?

Also, rumors have spread that producers plant special items in the storage units to give the show more appeal or allow for more opportunities to cut to commercial break with a cliffhanger. And guess what, Estonia? I don't believe a single rumor. America has a collective of crazy people who hoard crazy shit in their storage lockers and forget about them. I mean, seriously, can't someone collect hood ornaments worth thousands of dollars and not remember that they are in there? 

Well, time for another Vicodin fix. Bye.