Storage Wars (TV EDITION)

It is common practice to sit back straight thumbs up after having your wisdom teeth removed. If you lay down on your back, the blod clots at the excavation sites could come loose and choke you to death. As you lay on the ground writhing for oxygen amidst the congealed blood stuck in your windpipe, you can't help but think, "Was it worth it all?" Well, I have no reason to even contemplate this future for myself because I am quite content sitting straight up. I am watching one of the most important shows of our generation, some would call it the televisual equivalent of Born to Run. This show is, of course, Storage Wars.

I've never reviewed a TV show before. This is new, unexplored territory like the Falkland Islands or a Black Hole. This show, a partially scripted, partial reality program follows five different entrepreneurs as they navigate the ever shifting roads of abandoned storage unit auctions. These people are Dave Hester, the son of a bitch who is often portrayed as the antagonist. If this were a movie about friends reuniting after a long period of time, Dave would definitely be the friend who sold out early on in his life to work for his girlfriend's father at the local car dealership. He is confrontational and flaunts his arrogant personality. There is Jarrod and Brandi, the young couple who constantly argue like a pair of old farts. This couple brings the much needed sexual tension to an already masculine dominated show. I'm almost certain that after a long day of bidding at auctions, Brandi rocks Jarrod's world. Just saying, she seems like kind of a sloot. Then we have Darrell, a big neo-Nazi looking goon. Actually, Darrell seems like a hooker with a heart of gold, except this hooker is actually a former Hell's Angel. Every time you see Darrell at an auction, you want him to just go ape shit and start beating someone's face in, but he doesn't because he would go to prison for breaking his probation. Finally, we have my personal favorite: Barry Weiss. This man is the pimp daddy of storage warriors. He is an old geezer whose age is actually yet to be determined. He acts like a wise guy and he talks like a 30 year old porn star. He is the kind of guy who shows up to an auction with Kenny Roger's son just for shits and giggles. I bet he pounds girls 10 years younger then him on the regular. I wouldn't be surprised if Brandi and Barry don't smash after the cameras turn off.

I do take some problems with the show, however. After every storage unit is sold and the items inside are inspected, the warriors take their special pieces to different authorities to figure out a price. Whenever they visit these experts, the price given is added to the total value the warrior has made from the storage unit. Whenever the expert gives a price range, the higher of the two prices are added to the value. Sometimes the ranges are as big as $400-$700 and the $700 is the added value. THIS IS HORSESHIT! What happens if the prospective buyer only gives $400? Then that means the warrior doesn't make a $350 profit off of the $350 storage unit he bought; it only means he made a $50 profit. This is outlandish. If anyone understood what I just wrote, you are not outlandish. What is outlandish?

Also, rumors have spread that producers plant special items in the storage units to give the show more appeal or allow for more opportunities to cut to commercial break with a cliffhanger. And guess what, Estonia? I don't believe a single rumor. America has a collective of crazy people who hoard crazy shit in their storage lockers and forget about them. I mean, seriously, can't someone collect hood ornaments worth thousands of dollars and not remember that they are in there? 

Well, time for another Vicodin fix. Bye.

Swingers (Special Wisdom Teeth Edition)

The relationship culture of contemporary times has changed greatly from the courteous, chivalrous courtings of early man. Back in the day, men would give gifts and offer sacrifices to the gods in exchange for the hand of a woman (or young girl) in marriage. This symbolized the great debt to which they owed the gods for the love of such a fine lady. Once the man owned the lady, he would entrust her with his estate. She became the housewife, the landlady, the keeper of the castle. Then when the man died, she would thrust herself onto the pyre and take her own life so that she could be with the man she loved, both in life and in death. Today's romance culture is all about getting it in. You go out to a bar and find the drunkest girl at the party and try to get some. If you're lucky, she brings a friend a long. For the dude or girl looking for something a little more longer lasting, you get their phone number and text them at odd hours of the night with phrases like "You up?" "Come over and say hi" "I'm so bored" "Maybe we should chill in a little". As I sit on my couch, generic store brand peas strapped to my balloon cheeks and apple sauce drizzling down the front of my shirt, I wonder what my wisdom teeth are doing right now? Are they happy now that they can live a life of freedom, maybe see the world, maybe catch a movie? Do they miss me? Is I a good mouth? How long does Vicodin last? Is it easy to obtain? But these are merely the questions of children. The real question is "How good is Swingers?" The answer, faithful plebeians, is money.
What can be said about Doug Lyman's Swingers? To say that it sparked a cult following is not enough. To say that it embodies the spirit of every young man trying to make it big is not enough. Swingers is a film about growth, redemption, and the power of a strong personality. Mike (Jon Favreau) and Trent (Vince Vaughn) are two 20 something unemployed actors trying to make it big in Los Angeles. Along with their friends Rob (Ron Livingston), Sue (Patrick Van Horn), and Charles (Alex Desert), the group chugs their way along the nightlife of L.A. in search of parties, "beautiful babies", and stardom. Mike is coming out of a difficult relationship and always brings his troubles with him to parties. This makes for some very funny moments including one scene in which he leaves twenty disturbing messages on a woman's answering machine. Filled with themes that strike at any rising star's heart, Swingers is a movie for the ages.
This movie is so exceptional because of its dialogue. The ways in which Trent tries to explain the female persona or the proper way in which to return a girl's phone call are mesmerizing. Vince Vaughn is perfect for this role and his future roles are clearly building of his role as Trent. Jon Favreau plays an excellent Mike. Mr. Favreau is an actor whose droopy, affected voice screams Mommy problems. He is a scarred man and he plays it nicely. (WHAT A GREAT FUCKING REVIEW SO FAR!)
But there is an oasis in the desert of despair and that is The Dresden. Located in L.A. on some fuckin street, The Dresden is the hangout for the group. After a night of rejection and piss, this is the one place the group can retire to and feel like royalty. Of course, it is full of old people, but that does not tarnish the feeling the group gets when they enter.
I love this movie because it ends on such a good note. The kind of note you get when you know that shit has been going on all day, but something happens and you just finally figure out it will end up good. It's that kind of note. Yeah, that kind of note. Well, I have totally forgotten what I'm writing about. Oh, yeah Swingers. Good movies, check it out. Really low budget film, but it's got a deep message. Keep your friends close, but keep your friends closer.

Midnight in Paris

Woody Allen's latest film (well not latest, he does have a new Italian movie coming) Midnight in Paris has proven to me a fact that I now find immutable and it will come to the dislike of engineers, biologists, chemists, biochemists, chemical engineers, and biochemical engineers of the world. The plain and simple truth is that the arts matter. So what if great literature can't save a mother of two from breaking both arms? Who cares that Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro didn't stop that dude from having sex with a monkey and making AIDS a real thing? Would Norman Rockwell's Reading in Bed have actually cured Christopher Reeve's paralyzation? The answer to all of those questions is absolutely not (I hope so at least). And now the eyes are rolling on every reader of this blog as questions arise like "Yeah! But what the fuck does a painting have to do with a bodily function!?!?" or "How can you even compare the two, you fucking moron?!?!?" And my answer to that is EXACTLY! You can't compare the two because they have their own realms of possibility in our world. Could Robert Jarvik make The Shawshank Redemption? No, but he made the artificial heart and that is damn impressive. The Shawshank Redemption, and Norman Rockwell's paintings, and Mozart's music all have their contributions to society as well. They give some enjoyment to the boring, monotonous cycle we call life. How often do you listen to music when you study for a test? How many times do you put the TV on while you're doing homework? Suck it Charlie! This is damn good writing now!
Midnight in Paris tells the story of screenwriter Gil (Owen Wilson) who is visiting Paris with his fiance (Rachel McAdams) and her parents. Feeling unfulfilled with his style of writing, Gil decides to walk around Paris in the evening alone and without a guide. During one midnight walk, Gil is approached by an antique car where the occupants invite him in. Little does Gil know, he has stepped into a time machine and is driven back to 1920's Paris. There he runs into the artist powerhouses of the era including Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Cole Porter, and Gertrude Stein. Through his repeated interactions with The Greats, Gil becomes a more competent and impressive writer.
I was a big fan of Whatever Works because of its message: do what makes you happy. But Midnight in Paris gives an even simpler, and quite frankly much less original , moral in a far more entertaining way: be happy with what you have. Gil's mortal flaw is that he can't find happiness in his own time period and that is what drives him to the 1920s every night. But when he is transported back to the 19th century one night, he realizes that there is more to life then just pleasing yourself. I run the risk of sounding corny, but the grass does seem greener on the other side. It is Woody Allen's twisted, neurotic humor that contorts that age old adage into something that can be appreciated in our contemporary time.
Gil asks Ernest Hemingway to read his manuscript and Hemingway replies "I hate it". When Gil mentions that Hemingway never even read it, Hemingway declares "if it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more. You don't want the opinion of another writer". I see this as the relationship between the humanities and the sciences and mathematics. Neither wants to admit the other sometimes makes a good point, a lot like Democrats and Republicans.  A mutual respect needs to begin to develop between the two disciplines. This is not a pro-art blog, nor is it an anti-everything else blog. I am pro-human. Now everyone hug.

Air Force One

There have been a number of films made that typify the American way of life. We will beat you at your own game, always (The Karate Kid Part 2). Our youth get shit done (Big). Our women are fearless (any porno). The United States is a country of strength and nation of purpose. From the top down, every inch of the good ole USA fights for truth, honor, and security. Our troops abroad do it without even knowing the majority of the people they are fighting for. Do you really think Obama knows every American? No way! But he still continues to run this country because he is American (I'm positive of this) and it is his duty as one. And if Obama was in the same situation as President James Marshall in Air Force One then I think he would strangle and mince up every Russian nationalist that tried touching him or Michelle or even his stupid dog. 

Air Force One is exactly that: a President aboard Air Force One trying to eliminate Kazakh terrorists and their leader, the highly renowned wizard, Sirius Black. No actually, the actor is Gary Oldman. Anyway, after terrorists board the plane in a way that makes me seriously doubt the effectiveness of the TSA, they eliminate all of the Secret Service on board in what seems like a scene ripped out of The Godfather. Shouldn't the men who are in charge of protecting the President of the United States of America always be on alert. I swear one of them got shot through the glasses just like Moe Green. Somehow, the terrorists take over the plane and manage to kill or capture everyone they were supposed to, EXCEPT THE FUCKING PRESIDENT. Luckily, America voted for a former military man and Marshall uses his skills to go after the baddies. 

Two things strike me about this movie: the spirit of America and the soul of America. What is the difference you might ask? Well, shit if I know. So let me rephrase this. Ford gives a knockout performance as a working class man who just wants to protect his family. Strip him of his title as leader of the free world, strip him of his Secret Service protection, strip him of his damn plane...he is just a man looking to protect his property (Air Force One) and his family (his family). As Americans, we work hard for what we have today. Our parents worked hard and their parents worked hard. If that means strutting around with an MP5 and putting rounds in men from a country that used to hold the most nuclear missiles in the world, well then so be it. And I think that each of our parents would do the same thing for us if we were kidnapped by Soviet nationalists. I can name at least one man who would decimate an entire nation in order to save his boy...John Rambo. 

Who would have thought? Air Force One is just a metaphor for the American Dream. Hey, Glenn Close is in the movie and she is the Vice President. Wow! What'll they think of next? In closing, I want to leave you readers with one last bit. The next time the world has got you down or if you are in the Middle East combatting threats to our security just stick your fist to the air and give a big, loud, American.....(click here)

Hard to Kill

Steven Seagal is easily the hardest working person in show business. When he's not busy keeping New Orleans safe or developing energy drinks, he's kicking kicking some serious ass in his movies. In all honesty, the man just exhumes douchbaggery. He's a martial arts master, a musician, a PETA humanitarian, and a Buddhist. Wow, he really wanted to cover all the bases. Well a man as well versed in such a cluster fuck of arts must be a great actor, right? Totally right! I have never viewed an actor who takes his job so seriously despite the film's level of absurdity. In Hard to Kill, Seagal was hard to turn away from.

As one of the most nonsensically named characters of all time, Seagal plays Mason Storm. Storm is a cop who uncovers corruption at the highest levels of state government and at the lowest levels of the police force. In retaliation, some corrupt cops kill Storm's hot, supple breasted wife and put Storm into a seven year coma. When he finally wakes up looking like the man who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart, Storm embarks on a mission of revenge with his nurse (Kelly Lebrock) to massacre those who wronged him. Think Tuesdays with Morrie meets Kill Bill.

This movie casted two actors who dominated two decades. Lebrock murdered the 80s with Weird Science and The Woman in Red and Seagal would go on to destroy the 90s with Under Siege and a whole arsenal of straight to VHS movies. Their on screen chemistry is reminiscent of the Hippo and the Oxpecker bird. Seagal kills as many people in this movie as hippos do per year (the total is 2,900 deaths) and Lebrock chills on the side trying to clean him up with her tongue. I know, hot right? Even though Lebrock's character essentially kept Storm alive for seven years, he still acts pissed off whenever she says something stupid, much like a brother-sister relationship. A brother whose wife died and now kisses his sister....um. Yeah.

We can applaude Seagal and Lebrock all we want in this film, but the real credit goes to the ballsy Mr. Steven McKay. Who the fuck is Steven McKay you ask? He is the genius behind the one liners and dialogue of Hard to Kill. It takes a lot of guts to put on a stupid costume, but it takes even more guts to risk your career writing gems like these. What I was really impressed with was the level of maturity that Seagal delivered these lines. He proclaimed them like they were legitimate statements.

Hard to Kill shows us that films do not need to abide by genre standards. Film can poke fun at itself, it can accentuate the irreverent and exploit the unrealistic. At the end of the day, you will still be rooting for Seagal to break arms and legs and stick pool cues in bad guys necks no matter how stupid his monotone voice sounds. Because if you can't cheer for a man who bodyguards the Dalai Lama, well you just aren't living.

Safe House

Have you ever felt like you're working in a dead end job? No room for advancement? No opportunity to really make a difference? Well you are either a telemarketer or you work for the CIA as a safe house operator. But as soon as Denzel Washington appears at your front door, you've become the most important person in the country (literally, if Denzel Washington showed up to your telemarketing job then you would become very popular). Well Denzel does show up to a CIA safe house in non other then the film Safe House. His presence there makes lowly operative Ryan Reynolds a valued target of the CIA and other parties involved.

As a rogue CIA operative, Denzel Washington portrays his character with a grizzled sense of authority. He knows he is the best, but he shows this more in action than words. Attached to co-star Reynolds at most times in the movie, Washington's bold dictation of the rules conflicts heavily with Reynold's frustrated timidity.

I always say that Denzel Washington could walk into the toughest of bars and walk out with a roomful of admirers. How can you not like a man who puts up with this shit? He is quite literally one of the greatest actors of our time. But Brendan Gleeson, another genuine actor, makes an appearance in the film quite memorably. As the mentor of Reynolds' character, Gleeson conveys a sense of protectionism and patriarchal skills. He keeps you believing that he has Reynolds' best interests in mind and that everything will be fine. Most importantly, he wins over the support of the rest of the cast of characters.

As important the acting is in Safe House, its plot tells an even greater tale. Safe House is a film about corruption on the highest level of government. It is a tale of morality in a time when security trumps what should be the right thing to do. It is about going against your breeding and always questioning the status quo.

Safe House got my adrenaline going. It wasn't necessarily the most complex of plots, but the answers to some of the movie's toughest questions were answered at the end. There is no telling what else may be in store for Washington or Reynolds, but the future can only look brighter and brighter for them.

Movies I would force Hitler to sit through V

In 1986, Geraldo Rivera hosted a television special in which he would open up a mysterious vault belonging to none other than Chicago's infamous gangster, Al Capone. Nobody had any clue what would be hidden in the depths of this Italian man's secured room, but people just assumed it was something big anyway. Maybe this vault was where Scarface had stowed away classic cars or disposed of mutilated bodies? Analysts even concluded that millions of dollars could be stored inside. Well, Geraldo and his mustache dynamited the doors in front of millions of Americans that night in April and this was their reaction. Well, obviously there was no commercial and for fans of A Christmas Story, you understand what just happened. All of this hype had been built up around the Al Capone vault, and yet nothing was found except empty bottle and a license plate. So why and how does this relate to a movie review? I saw The Artist recently, easily one of the most sought after films of this years award season. I didn't understand how people could become so enamored with a movie that wasn't The Shawshank Redemption. I thought I would see it and hopefully join The Artist fanboy wagon. I got to the theater, paid a ridiculous $9.50 for a ticket, and proceeded to sleep through the next two and a half hours of my life. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with French cinema.

Set in 1920s Hollywood, The Artist tells the story of silent film superstar George Valentine (Jean Dujardin) and his fall from fame as movies begin being made with sound. Oh, I forgot. The entire film is silent.

Before I begin bashing the country of France for producing what can only be described as a means of taunting America, I will mention something I liked. I give director Michel Hazanavicius credit for making me feel like I lived in the 1920s, before Facebook, before the car was as plentiful as bowler hats. Michel essentially brought The Depression to the viewer. To initiate that kind of emotion in me is quite simply, a daunting task, but that French bastard did it. Probably thinking this way the whole time.

Now back to the bashing. I fell asleep within fifteen minutes of the opening credits. I don't know how people of the Roaring 20's did it. There was always intensity on the screen, all actors present brought 110% of their abilities because they had to. Without any sound to accompany them, the actors needed to over exaggerate their mannerisms which, in a sense, took away from the realism. I guess not being able to speak takes away from realism as well. Without sound or hearing vocals, it is also difficult to sympathize with characters. There is a piece missing from the puzzle.

I guess the film couldn't have been that bad, it did win Best Film at the Oscars. I'm mad because The Descendants didn't win and it turned out to be my favorite film of the year. So maybe I wouldn't force Hitler to sit through this one. Maybe I'd put Eichmann or Goebbels in the front row instead. Everyone who sees this movie, however, will grow personally. You will never take your ears for granted again.