Limitless

I liked the movie Blow. Johnny Depp brought a cool to the drug dealing industry that is rarely caught on film. Dazed and Confused was another great stoner flick, grabbing high school life by the balls and throwing it into society's face. Man, even The Godfather had its foot in the drug dealing camp. Refusing to sell drugs on the street is what got Don Corleone shot in the first place. However, I have discovered a new movie that ushers in a new regime of drug flickers: Limitless. What's so great about this druggy movie is that the drug is beneficial not only to the user, but the rest of society as well. You see, cocaine and E have gained such bad notoriety because their uses kill. They caught a real tough break.

Limitless is the story of failing writer Eddie Morra (Bradley Cooper) and his recreational use of a secret drug that alters his entire train of thought. The drug allows him to use 100% of his brain and anticipate different things. Throughout the film, the audience is introduced to characters that test Eddie's wits and logic as he tries to figure out how to fully utilize his new found glory.

Limitless is a cautionary tale gone astray. On one hand, this is a film about a drug that is addictive because of its main purpose: ultimate perfection in everything. On the other hand, the drug is not crippling, but rather empowering. In times like these when everyone wants to feel secure in everything they do, a sense of possibility and understanding is wanted. The drug in the film gives its user that feeling. Usually, a drug movie vilifies the drug, but in here it is being glorified.

Keep in mind, I sat through this movie with a bunch of friends from school. Story wise, the film was outstanding and everything was very easy to follow. Even though much of the dialogue was spoken in wall street financial lingo and power broker money talk, the meaning was clearly stated. But from a cinematic standpoint, enjoying shots and angles is difficult when people are asking stupid questions or sending text messages. There was one re-occurring shot where the streets of New York City would shoot out into a never ending tunnel and all I could hear was the nauseous moans of my friends. And then whenever there was a sex scene, the woot woots came howling.

I can't totally blame my friends for me missing half the film. I totally missed the meaning of the ending because I was flirting with the dangerously fiery redhead to my left. Limitless is in fact a drug movie, but it is also a success story. It's also a film about corporate greed, self interest, and survival of the fittest. Get ready for the cheesiness, but I guess the morals of this movie are Limitless as well. Shout out to Josh and Bryce and Boyd and Brooke and Ally and Jenny and Hayley and Zach. Yeah, I think that's everyone

Green Street Hooligans

I have been in Ecuador for the last 12 days so there has been quite a rift in my writing. I'm sure you were all eagerly awaiting my next clever movie review while I was munching on smoked Guinea Pig and worms. However, while you were all sleeping in your warm, comfy beds, I was going toe to toe with cockroaches they size of my ear and moths larger then most kittens. I'm in somewhat of an international mood and therefore have decided that my first post back will be about a movie not made in the US, but rather abroad. This movie is so far away....England. Yeah, yeah, so it's in English...big whoop. England is still different then America and therefore not as great. They call cigarettes fags, prostitutes wenches, and have poor dental hygiene...literally all of them. This movie, of course, is Green Street Hooligans.

Green Street Hooligans takes place in "football" infatuated London. Matt Buckner (Elijiah Wood) is wrongfully accused of drug use at Harvard University and is expelled. He runs away to London to stay with his sister who has married an British national. Once Matt meets Pete Dunham (Charlie Hunnam), his brother-in-law's brother, the two begin a friendship that shakes the foundations of Pete's "football firm" or gang.

I saw this movie and just wanted to start punching, just go into a crowded public area and yell out like Jackie Moon, "Somebody hit someone!" Essentially, GSH teaches its viewers the upside of violent street fighting, as long as its for a cause like keeping the reputation of a soccer team that has never done anything to benefit you, then you are golden. Elijiah Wood just reeks of wimpiness. The whole point of the movie is to show the different fights that the "firms" get into before and after matches and the rivalries that explode. I'm sorry, but Frodo Baggins just doesn't fit the criteria of Hooligan. In GSH, his words are soft and delicate. He has the voice of a baby and when he is trying to intimidate his enemies, he just sounds like a girl. I could even kick the shit out of him.

But Elijiah does not destroy the movie, in fact, his pussification only propels the movie forwards. At times, it's almost comical to see him in fights. Charlie Hunnam does a fantastic job at developing a true football fanatic. He freaks out when the Yank calls it soccer, offers up his seat to a lady on the Underground, and teaches football to kids at school. All in all, the English are pretty versatile people. His screen presence is dominating, but not overpowering. You understand his leadership role within the firm, but he doesn't hog anything. He is valiant till the end and distinguishes between loyalty to friends and firm.

GSH is kind of like The Longest Yard, but not really. Actually the only similarity lies in the fighting. And even then, GSH has all of its fights take place outside of the field. I rescind my last comment, GSH and The Longest Yard have nothing in common. I would erase this whole thing, but I feel that would just be demoralizing to me. In GSH, intimidation of perseverance through strength means power. A fist is far more powerful then words, especially if most of the words are camouflaged beneath heavy English accents. Green Street Hooligans is a sports, international, and drama all wrapped into one giant burrito of fun. Except this burrito is kind of damp and sticky like many of London's streets.

Heckler

There is an extreme chance that you haven't seen this film. A portion of that chance may be from the fact that is a documentary. While informative and usually a good mind stimulant, documentaries are a dying breed. I, personally, enjoy the doc because of its willingness to dive into issues. It is a movie genre that isn't afraid to make a fool of itself and almost wants to make every situation as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. The documentary has also transformed whoever is making the film into a world authority on the matter. Suddenly, every Tom Dick and Harry thinks they are the leading source on whale migration in the Arctic Ocean or an increase in AIDS cats in the deep South. Documentaries give their filmmakers a sense of pride, one that probably wouldn't be achieved if they wanted to write a book or something. Who reads anyways?

Heckler is Jamie Kennedy's attempt to examine the psychology of the critic and the heckler. Leading experts in the field, otherwise known as comedians, explain personal experiences with hecklers and critics and try to debunk the villainous truth behind bad reviews. Essentially, it is an hour and eighteen minutes of every comedian ever seen on Comedy Central repeating each other, "Hecklers want to get their voice heard, Bloggers want to attack the people on top!"

At times in this doc, I felt genuinely bad for these performers. Here you have people going on stage in front of people they have never met before, just trying their hardest to get people to laugh. When nobody laughs, the negativity comes out. Come on, audience, it's not like the comedian can read everybody's mind to see what they find funny. Cut the guy a little friggin slack. Also, you don't have this comedian coming to your work and telling you how pitiful of a garbage man you are or how awful your copy pressing fingers look. Jesus Christ, people, have a little sympathy.

With that being said, Jaime and all his comedian friends, grow the fuck up. Boo hoo, a critic slammed your movie because it wasn't funny or it wasn't intelligent. I'm pretty sure you are still walking home with a paycheck larger then most McDonalds employees go home with after a year. So your movie didn't reach out to every single person in the audience; in the perspective of things, I bet you made a couple of people laugh or cry. So if anything, it's a double whammy for you: not only did you entertain some people, you also are making more money then Juan from the gas station and his entire family combined. You may make the argument that it's not always about the money, it's about doing what I love. Well that's very noble and all, so why don't you start charging free admission for comedy shows or stop bashing the economy in every set you have.

It's strange, Kennedy talks about people just like me in Heckler. He says we are fat, white, nerdy, and smelly. While that may be true for most bloggers, it is not for me so suck it. A number of the comedians interviewed say the same thing, absolute dipshits are bloggers. Ok, so why are you caring so much what we write then. Of the millions of blogs and review sites in this gigantic world, what the hell makes you think that the person who is deciding between your next movie or someone elses is going to consult my site first?

We love to attack the guys on top. It's true, we get jealous and it forces us to break others down. That's human nature, just as performing and taking home giant checks without thinking twice is human nature. So what it really comes down to is we both enjoy what we do, you make money, enough money in two weeks that would put our lives to shame while we write reviews that bash you that will probably never be read. Let's see who has the advantage, chances are nobody will ever know that this existed. Sorry Jaime, I loved you in Malibu's Most Wanted.

The Toy Story Trilogy

I must say that was not the best Academy Awards I have ever seen. Anne Hathaway seemed more like the cool babysitter you might be lucky enough to get when you are seven, but James Franco just stood there like an idiot. He closed his eyes halfway whenever he spoke, and his jokes were not nearly close enough to Funny Or Die material. While I should be blaming these lifeless robots for a poor showing on TV, I actually must blame ABC for their terrible performance. ABC had been building up this award show for the last several weeks and it turns out the commercials were funnier then the show itself. That's what happened with The Expendables, awful film. Anywho, in honor of the night's most respected recipient, Randy Newman, I present you with a review of the Toy Story 3 trilogy: The Abridged Version. (Not a chance in hell I'm spending 3 hours to review each movie individually).

The Toy Story series follows Woody and Buzz, two talking toys, who go on a series of wild adventures, all in the name of their owner Andy. Throughout the series, we are introduced to characters like Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles), Slinky (Blake Clark), Hamm (John Ratzenberger), and Jessie (Joan Cusack).

In the first Toy Story, Woody (Tom Hanks), Andy's most beloved toy is jealous of the new toy, Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen). In an act of jealousy, Woody fakes Buzz's death to regain Andy's affection, but in the end becomes best friends with Buzz. The first movie definitely tried to emphasise the friendship piece, but not just with Buzz and Woody. The relationship between Andy and his toys are just as strong.

In the second film, we are introduced to Jessie. Woody finds out he is a collectors item and is mistakenly given to a collector. Woody realizes just how much he needs his family of toys, so I think the main message of this film was appreciating what you have.

The third installment finds Andy going off to college and contemplating giving his toys away, hmphh some friend. The toys get taken to a nursery home where they believe they will be played with carefully, but they find the children to be little devils. Totally put me off from wanting to have kids for a good four months. By far the most badass of all the films, this one ends in a real cliffhanger, actually everything gets sorted out so there isn't much of a cliff or a hanger. Purpose is by far the dominating theme in this film.

If Pixar animated films was a crime syndicate, Toy Story would be the Godfather. This is pretty much the movie that started a revolution of Pixar movies. It also started a generation of terrified children who believed their toys came to live after they left for school. I was one of them, but I thought they wanted to kill me like Chucky cause I never picked them up. I thought I was like Andy, but if I was a toy I would hate me too. I used to leave Lego's outside in the winter and wait for the snow to melt to find them. Obviously I'm no Sid, but that's pretty brutal.

The Toy Story Saga also gave us some pretty classic friendship tunes, compliments of my boy and newly awarded Oscar winner Randy Newman. I always felt like Randy was the kind of musician that everyone else in entertainment never took seriously until he started doing big things, like Rain Man. Randy Newman is like Rain Man. "You've Got a Friend in Me" is to this day my favorite movie song ever. Newman is so simple with his lyrics, but he gives such a punch. Forget that he sounds like one of the bosses from Star Fox, the man is a musical genius. But seriously, I think every animated movie has a song by Ra-New.

I grew up with Toy Story. It's been apart of my life and taught me to never neglect my roots. That's what Toy Story really is trying to tell us; we have our new connections and our computers and cell phones, but let's just remember the days when everything was simple and our toys were our best friends. And then Facebook came.

Oscar Special

It is one of the most wondrous nights of the year. Some say Oscar night is comparable to a Bar Mitzvah party or wedding night. My BM theme was army/navy, but I can see how the two correlate. Anyway, movie season this year was not at its finest point but there have been a few standout performances that I think deserve the Oscar nod over others. Without further adeu, let us dive into the sea of exposed cleavage and thin neckties that is the Academy Awards.

Original Screenplay: Inception has to take this baby home. I was mind fucked by the intricate plot. If a movie about two lesbian mothers beats out this kick ass neurological punchbag of a movie, I will be shocked.

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3. In the history of animated films, Toy Story is the Jesus Christ of animated films. Praise it

Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network. Sorkin gave Zuck personality, nuff said.

Visual Effects: Inception will grab this one for sure. The movie takes place in a dream world for gods sake! I saw an entire city block roll into a wall in this movie. If that's what someones normal dream looked like, I'd hate to see what a wet dream looks like.

Sound Mixing/Editing: I can't really tell what the difference is between the two, but they are separate categories. For the sake of efficiency, I'm going to say Inception gets this one. Lots of horns and what sounded like chairs being dragged going on in this film.

Original Song: I'm giving this one to Randy Newman and his song We Belong Together from Toy Story 3. Randy knows how to make a beat and even though he may not be taken seriously by most film composers, the dude has been around the block. How many songwriters do you know that have the balls to say "short people got no reason to live"? Quick sidenote, Inception will get best score-Hans Zimmer

Film Editing: I have to say, The Fighter will win this. I never truly understood how important film editing was until I read a review of a particular scene in this movie. It is in the beginning when we first see Christian Bale in his drug den. The scene is a masterpiece of archive footage of boxing matches and shots with Bale. It's fabulous and that scene could seal the deal for The Fighter.

Director: David Fincher. He gave Zuck personality, nuff said.

Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale hands down. Some say Geoffrey Rush, but Bale put so much of his life into this role. Starving himself, perfecting that Lowell accent, really giving it his all. Bale better get this or the Academy is going to have some serious problems.

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo. What Leo did on screen for Lowell women will be forever immortalized in her scene where she sends her daughters out to beat up Amy Adams. That's what a real mother does for her son, sends out the goons.

Best Actress: Natalie Portman. I haven't seen Black Swan, but I really want to see Your Highness and I think if she is half as smokin hot in that as she is in Your Highness, she's got it.

Best Actor: Colin Firth. He's pretty fantastic. Nailed the stutter, is the model Englishman. I want to see him get this Oscar pretty badly.

Best Film: While I would love to see Hollywood East take home the gold for The Fighter, I think The Social Network has this one. It brought personality to Zuck, nuff said.

The Oscars are starting soon, I must grab my seat next to Brad and Angelina. That was a joke, I'm home.

The Pursuit of Happyness

I'm not usually a fan of movies that don't have proper titles, but in this case I make an exception. The Pursuit of Happyness is an excellent film that shows its audience how important money really is in America. Seriously, from watching this movie I learned that I should never be without money. Yeah, family and love is all nice and happy, but The Pursuit of Happyness taught me money is the only way to survive out in the world. With that being said, watching this movie makes me feel lucky and guilty at the same time. But this guy, Chris Gardner the main character, probably has more money then he knows what to do with so I think I can rest easy.

In this film, we find single father Chris Gardner (Will Smith) trying to piece his life back together and get job all the while trying to raise his young son Christopher (Jaden Smith). Chris is broke for most of the film and we find him and his son running from shelter to shelter while Chris manages a lucrative internship at a brokerage firm.

Real life father and son Will and Jaden Smith give this film the on screen chemistry needed for a movie of this magnitude. The majority of the film is their interaction with one another so a concrete relationship is crucial. Both Will and Jaden bring, what I am assuming to be, a healthy relationship outside of work into this movie. Every hug is filled with intensity and every shot of holding hands is powerful. Will gives a performance of a lifetime. His character speaks out to not just fathers, but any person who has stood up and taken ownership of something. Jaden is just cute as hell. He's probably also the luckiest kid in Hollywood. If my Dad was the Fresh Prince, I'd strut my stuff up and down Rodeo drive.

The Pursuit of Happyness has a few scenes that stick out in my mind. First and foremost is bathroom scene in the subway station. Chris and his son have been locked out of their motel room and are forced to seek shelter in a dirty subway bathroom. Chris camouflages the disgrace of this act by telling his son they are going back in time and he must imagine the bathroom to be a cave. For the next thirty seconds, we find Chris, with his son asleep on his lap, holding back tears as people begin knocking on the bathroom door to get in. Your heart just gets ripped out because you feel for how low this man has gone. The second most important scene in this film is when Chris finally fixes his bone density scanner. After weeks of fiddling around with it, the light turns on an illuminates the shelter. Probably the most symbolic scene in the film, there is a light at the end of the dark, homeless, dirty tunnel. The scene speaks for itself, quite frankly. Finally, there is Chris's job offer. He has been working for weeks trying to land this job and it is finally given to him. Will Smith does this facial expression when he tries to hold back tears but his lips curl up. It's powerful stuff, man. And it is by far the most feel good scene in the movie. The man has seen everything terrible and he is finally being rewarded for his heroic actions.

I liked this movie. It really makes you feel as if you can achieve anything when you are poor and homeless. It's an inspirational film to say the least. What if every homeless person in America saw this film? There you go America, I just solved the homeless problem. I'm assuming that those of you who read this blog have money; you haven't spent it all on Brazzers passwords or Ding Dongs. Be happy with what you have people. Be happy that you didn't have to sleep in bathrooms or wrestle doped up homeless men for a spot in the shelter. However, be kind of down in the dumps because you are not Will Smith's son. Sorry this wasn't a review of Kid Cudi's song.

Youth in Revolt

Get some much needed sleep or write a review?Hesitantly, I will pick the latter. I make myself write one review every day, give the people what they want! I want to make movies when I get older. I want to write, direct, produce, edit, the whole nine yards. When I direct, I want my actors to make choices that leave a lasting imprint on the audience. When I edit, I want my movies to flow and have scenes sync perfectly with one another. If I ever produce, I want directors to come begging me for production money, offering me their wives and first born children. Most importantly, when I write, I want to create characters that are truly unlike anyone in the known world. I want their dialogue to be smart and funny and quirky and unique. And every time I try to sit down in front of my computer to type up a new screenplay, my mind goes blank and I try in vain to come up with clever lines. Youth in Revolt was like one giant slap in the face to me because it seemed as if every line personified cleverness. Literally, the moment Michael Cera talks, my jaw dropped four inches and you could fit golf balls in my cheeks.

Youth in Revolt is the story of 16 year old Nick Twisp (Michael Cera who will forever look like a 14 year old) and his attempts to fight for the girl he loves, Sheeni (Portia Doubleday). Along the way, Nick invents an alter ego, Francois, who forces Nick to do evil deeds like burn down half of Berkeley, CA, or destroy both of his parents' cars.

Youth is a cool movie because of how intelligent Sheeni and Nick sound in contrast with the rest of the characters. They are two lovers who are meant to be together, but they come from un-educated and ill-informed families who care very little for love or any other human emotion. The fight to block out these obstacles and remain with each other is what makes for such an entertaining film. Twisp is a confident character who enjoys Sinatra, journaling, and shrooms. In his world, nobody is like him so when he meets Sheeni he tries to do whatever it takes to be with her. Sheeni is the same; a lover of french and french music. She is incredibly forward and extremely flirtatious. I believe that is what makes this such an appealing film to, well the title says it all, youth. There is an odd chemistry between Nick and Sheeni, one that reverts back to man's primitive nature and raw tendencies. Nick finds the need to constantly express his undying love for Sheeni. These two just have to be together and it's evident in both the dialogue and their stage direction.

Dialogue pushes this movie past all pre conceived boundaries. Nick and Sheeni speak with a certain affect. Whether it's Nick commenting on the dog he has bought for Sheeni or Sheeni describing her happiness at attending a French speaking school, these characters bring a high intelligence to their speech. At the same time, the frankness of Nick's alter ego, Francois, is blunt and hysterical. Whereas Nick tries to think through his actions, Francois makes a matter-of-fact statement and continues with his day. Again, their is an action and counteraction of personalities that resonate well in the movie.

Youth in Revolt is a comedy. It will make you laugh if you see it. I just can't comprehend how every line was written to be so damn intelligently funny. Perhaps it's Michael Cera's angel like vocals? Either way, Youth in Revolt was a pleasant surprise for me. I was expecting a school massacre or something involving kids vs adults, but what I got was quick wit and fast humor. So yeah, sleeping or watching this movie. Movie seemed like a good choice tonight. But milk was a bad choice!

Animal House

I don't believe that any review can do this movie justice. Don't worry, mine is not the exception. Animal House is truly the pinnacle of stupid comedy. It's the standard for which all other movies of the genre should be judged against. But what makes Animal House such a treat is not its fart jokes or physical humor; it's the fact that this is the story of college life, something that has gotten high school seniors excited and giddy for the last 3,000 years. The idea of a Toga Party, nonetheless a Toga Party on a school night, blows the mind of any college freshman heading towards their U. Just as Invincible and Friday Night Lights is a pump up movie to any athlete prepping for the big game, Animal House is the rabble rouser that psyches up college froshies.

Animal House is the story of the Delta Tau Chi house of Faber College. The Deltas are a wild bunch of misfits who believe in parties, parties, parties, drinking, girls, and parties. By far the rowdiest frat on campus, the Delta's frequently annoy Faber's head, Dean Wormer, as well as their rivals, the WASPy Omega Theta Pi house.

Like I said before, watching Animal House gets me pumped to go off to college next year. Sure, I'll get a great education that will prepare me for the professional world where I can make a bunch of money, but how often does the opportunity arise where you can stick a dead horse in the dean's office? And how many times will you go on a group date to an all black nightclub? And where else would you make the connections to be able to have Otis Day and the Knights perform in your frat basement? Come on people, managing a stock portfolio is fun, but you're never going to be able to recreate those crazy events in your office.

Not being a college grad yet, I have yet to fully understand Animal House's control over its viewers. I can only being to ponder what my four years in college will be like. I hope there is someone like Bluto (John Belushi) to guide me, socially not academically. Maybe I have the occasional affair with a teacher, maybe I join ROTC. What we must remember, however, is that this took place in the 60's. Alcohol was readily available cause the drinking age was lower. Now, obtaining alcohol is all the more challenging....which makes the payoff all the more rewarding.

Each character guides the audience through frat life. Each character holds important value in the frat house and each character makes a valiant effort towards making party life awesome. In the eyes of true movie critics, this film introduced one of the funniest men in film comedy, Belushi. It also sent hordes of middle aged men into mid life crisis's after recalling the glory days of their college careers. I know, this review didn't really tell to much about Animal House as a movie. Then again, I don't really think there is much to say about the movie's cinematic value itself. Animal House holds true to the one most important rule of films: make the audience enjoy it. Scores of viewers enjoy Animal House for all the memories it brings back and all the fantasies it sets in place.

Tropic Thunder

What's kind of movie is better then a movie about making a movie? How many opportunities do you get to use the same noun three times in one sentence? Not many. Tropic Thunder represents the blood and guts of the entertainment industry. It is a satire of all the antics that goes on in Lala Land and I want to be apart of it. Whether it's an actor surgically changing his skin color to get into the mind of his next character or a hyper agent fighting to get TIVO in his client's trailer, Tropic Thunder takes the self-absorbed behavior the world has come to expect from actors and clump it into one giant Thunderdome of personality clashing.

Tropic Thunder is in fact a movie about the making of a movie. Movies like Platoon and The Great Escape and Saving Private Ryan have professionals come in and train the cast on how to act like real soldiers. In this case, the director (Steve Coogan) takes over that role and ends up being decimated by a live mine in the field. The actors, obviously linking this to special effects and therefore not real, continue into the dense jungle only to find themselves in conflict with a local druglord, whom they believe are actually extras, reinforcing actors' complete and total disregard for reality.

The audience experiences the absurdity of the cast of Tropic Thunder from minute one. We meet Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), the rapper turned actor. Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), the fat comedian looking to turn his career around after taking one too many snorts of the White Elephant. Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), an actor who has been in more sequels, prequels, and sequels to sequels then any other actor in Hollywood. Finally, there is Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), by far the funniest character in this movie. Lazarus, a pasty white male, has taken the challenge of playing the black sergeant. For the entire movie, Lazarus is painted black and if that subtle hint of racism doesn't give the audience a laugh, I don't know what will. And it's not just that he is a white man playing a black man; Downey Jr. speaks with this southern accent that sounds so forced and so hilarious, even the most simple words are genius. "Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups!" "I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous" "Everybody knows you never go full retard" I mean, these lines are just classic. His raspy southern drawl brings out every emphasis and I love it! If you see this movie for one reasons only, it should be because of RBJ's performance.

Tropic Thunder pokes fun at just about every war movie ever made. No exaggeration, this movie comes at other movies' necks. Apocalypse Now had a short film that tagged alongside it, Hearts of Darkness, that chronicled the behind the scenes footage of the making of Apocalypse Now. Tropic Thunder has a short film, Rain of Terror, that documents the behind the scenes footage of the movie they were making in Tropic Thunder. Rain of Thunder is as funny, if not funnier, then Tropic Thunder itself. Shit, I only mentioned it poking fun at one movie. Damn, I lost all credibility.

You are guaranteed to laugh during Tropic Thunder. It has humor that appeals to just about every social/political/economical group in the world. When it isn't cussing out the big, money grubbing production companies, it's insulting cinema's impact on the environment. For a kid who wants to make it big in the movie biz, this is the kind of stuff that I awkwardly smile at. I want to be that director who pulls out his hair because his leading actor hasn't memorized his lines. I want to be the writer who shoots the director in the hand for not sticking to script. See this movie.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Fast Times has a bit of everything in it. The awkwardness of first crushes, weed induced humor, playful banter from a doped out Sean Penn, and a rather portly Forest Whitaker. It's a bit like my high school experience, minus the two famous actors. I want to say that Fast Times at Ridgemont is an accurate depiction of the American public school system today, but hey, that was the 80's. And we all know what happened in the 80's.

Fast Times interweaves the stories of slacker Jeff Spicoli (Penn), awkward Mark Ratner (Brian Backer), scummer Mike Damone (Robert Romanus), and little miss innocent Stacey Hamilton (Jennifer Jason Leigh). Each character interacts with one another which somehow affects everyone else.

Now, I'm not product of the 80's, but the casting totally filled out each high school stereo type perfectly. I have never even heard of Brian Backer, nor then or now, and he plays a kid who is equally unnoticeable. His mannerisms are awkward, almost like a pre-pubescent Woody Allen. He makes eye contact, but only when angry. His sentences end softly. The dude is a total chump. Stacey, oh sweet Stacey. She is innocent, unaware, vulnerable. Stacey sleeps around with older men, but is oblivious to those her own age. She isn't cocky, just adventurous. And when she gets knocked up at the end of the movie, a new character emerges, one who is more aware of reality and the harm it brings. Mike Damone reeks of scumminess, not hockey player scumminess, just pure putrid scumbag. In high school, he scalps tickets for various events, he gets girls pregnant, and never shows up to bring them to the abortion clinics. His friendships are ruined because of his mistakes. He is a character who understands his cons, but can't bare to correct himself. Finally, there is Jeff Spicoli. Mr. Spicoli, as his history teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) refers to him as, is laziness personified. Am I out of line to even call him a precursor to The Dude from The Big Lebowski? I mean what kind of kid orders a pizza and has it delivered to his classroom while teaching is going on? For a student so warped out of his mind, Sean Penn transforms Spicoli into a figurehead and an icon. Who can forget Judge Reinhold's memorable role as Stacey's brother Todd, a senior who tries to act older then he is and plan his life according to his status in high school. Despite his fine planning, Todd sees misfortune after misfortune throughout the movie until finally he is redeemed when he saves his Convenience Store from being robbed. This is probably the best scene in the movie because Todd has seen shit for the past hour and it's a real heart warmer to see that big grin on Judge's rectangle of a head.

Characters are the most essential piece of this movie. Yes it has a plot that drives it forward and it tackles social issues like underage sex and abortion and all that hoorah, but its creative process is most noteworthy. Cameron Crowe penned this movie and is most noted for his ultra descriptive characters. Movies like Almost Famous, Jerry Maguire, and Elizabethtown all have memorable characters who portray a distinct role in society. Fast Times is incredibly pleasing to watch, it gives a laugh to anyone who has ever experienced "the high school scene". It set the stage for hundreds of stereo typical high school comedy dramas and for that we say "Learn it. Know it. Live it."

A Bridge Too Far

All you Saving Private Ryan fans, back the hell up. A Bridge Too Far is a classic World War 2 film that set the stage for all other military movies...except those that were made before it. I'm a huge military history buff, so this film was right up my alley. Even though it's a bit of an oldy, 1977, the movie still combines the same amount of Kraut killing intensity that you would see in today's more modern war films. Obviously it's no Tae Guk Gi, but it's got its share of blood and gore. What movie about the biggest Allied World War 2 failure doesn't?

Like previously stated, A Bridge Too Far chronicles the one of the biggest military screw ups of World War Two, Operation Marketgarden. This plan called for the invasion of Holland, but the American, Polish, British, and Canadian troops that took part in this invasion met stiff German resistance and extended the length of the war in the process.

Marketgarden was a pretty big deal back in 1944. For an operation this big, director Richard Attenborough, a World War 2 film vet himself, called in the big guns. This is a cast of thousands, and not just in that corny sense, but literally thousands. Sean Connery, Gene Hackman, Michael Caine, Robert Redford, James Caan, Ryan O'Neal, Edward Fox, Anthony Hopkins, and Elliot Gould headline the big names of this cast. Sean Connery plays a notable performance as Maj. General Urquhart who gets stuck behind enemy lines and goes all James Bond on the German's as he tries to escape. It's his men who are pinned down by the Germans for most of the movie. Michael Caine brings a lighter side to war, even as tanks and trucks are being blasted to pieces around him. You can always count on Alfie for a smile. James Caan plays a US army Sergeant whose personality resembles that of Sonny from The Godfather. He threatens a US army doctor with a pistol to operate on his friend. Very NYC of him. If you are new to this movie, don't even worry about the cast. They do their job just fine, it's a pretty talented group of individuals. They've been around the block once or twice. Oh, and check out Gene Hackman as a Polish general. He plays one hell of a Pole.

As I'm sure others feel, watching World War 2 movies kind of makes you want to join the fight. I know that if I was in Marketgarden, I could have downed at least two or three Nazis before I got clipped in the leg or arm. Never torso or head. But this film really makes you cringe sometimes. Because the mission was an overall failure, there are parts in the film that make you scream at the characters. When a British convoy is about to be ambushed by Fritz, I want to let that tea-sipping Captain he's in for some trouble. But I can't because he is in a movie and I'm watching him on TV. It's not humanly possible.

I can't really think of any life lessons that A Bridge Too Far teaches us. Don't set too many goals for yourself? The Allies were told to take a number of bridges, some that were just too far out of reach,hence the title. I don't know, make sure you have a working radio before you leave? The main radio that was used to communicate with all other allied units was destroyed in the first phase of the operation. General Montgomery really f'ed this one up. Listen, I'm sorry this isn't a recent movie or anything hip like Never Say Never or whatever crap is on nowadays. Sorry I decided to add a little culture and history to this blog. Cherish it! Cherish it! Name that movie...

Taken

This movie scares me away from dating girls. Let's just say I find a nice, intelligent dame who really likes me for me. We hit it off and we're really digging each other. Then she invited me to meet her parents. What the hell am I supposed to do if her Dad is anything like Liam Neeson in Taken? It's these kinds of movies that make me think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Do you honestly believe I could defend myself from a 6'4" maniac like Neeson's character? He'd break my neck in 47 different ways, although one way would suffice.


Taken is about a former soldier of fortune/spy/CIA agent/killing machine (Liam Neeson) who finds himself tracking down the European traffickers who kidnapped his daughter in Paris. Liam is like a bloodhound, once he has caught onto the scent of his prey, he goes after them...and then brutally kills them.



If I was a vulnerable girl being taken hostage by Eurotrash smugglers, I would want Liam Neeson as my Dad too. Neeson plays his role with a splendid realism. This role is especially difficult for him because his character has a dual personality. On one hand, he is trying to be a protective father and save his child. On the other hand, he wants to absolutely destroy anything that comes in way of that goal. The divide between the two personas is clear at certain points in the movie. For instance, he catches up to the French crook who sold out his daughter in the first place. Once he gets the information he needs, the crook ends up dying by Neeson's hand. He's a father first, warmonger second. But Neeson gives a hell of a performance. His facial features give off a sympathetic vibe and a certain calmness. It gives the audience the feeling that everything will turn out alright because Liam is on the job. He doesn't exude cockiness, he emits sureness.



As far as plots go, Taken is pretty basic. Daughter gets kidnapped, Father goes looking for her, father kills a bunch of dudes, father rescues daughter. While most of the story was predictable, Taken made up for its expected behavior with intense action. Even in the first scenes of the movie where we learn how down-on-his-luck Liam Neeson is, already he is defending celebrities from murderous fans. The real intense action begins in the makeshift brothel where the Eurotrash gangsters hide their prisoners. Liam offs a few Albanians before driving away in a well choreographed escape scene.



"I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you". Jesus christ, if I ever heard those words coming from an angry father, I'd do the job myself. After seeing how Liam treats his own prisoners in the movie, it's safe to say that my way would be alot less painful. But Taken tells a whole lot more then just blood and violence. After layers and layers have been removed, Taken really tells how important the relationship between parent and child is. It tells its audience what lengths parents will go to when it comes to the safety of their kids. Now, I don't think it's saying that every mother and father should receive Black Ops training, but you get my point.

Stand By Me

If there was one movie I could choose to have my life most resemble, it would be Stand By Me. What kind of kid wouldn't want to go on an adventure to find a dead body and battle coked up Kiefer Sutherlands? Yeah, there's some sadness and degenerate material in the film, but when it comes down to the basics of childhood, this film explains it perfectly. Your pre-pubescent years are when you should be trying to go on quests and outrunning trains and jumping balls to the wall naked in water. Cause after that, I don't really know what can be as much fun. This is a story of friendship and childhood innocence and how it can be lost gradually over time or in an instant.

Stand By Me follows four friends (River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O'Connell) on their journey to recover the body of a missing teenager presumed dead. Along their travels, the friends grow closer and learn about each others fears and goals, strengths and weaknesses.

Kudos to Rob Reiner. His cast represents childhood individuality to a T. Every group has that scumbag who tries to be philosophical and defends his friends (Phoenix), an artist (Wheaton), the fat kid (O'Connell), and the lunatic who is the first to try drugs (Feldman). Each character brought to life the plight that each suffers in their respective environments. You begin to feel sorry for Feldman's character when you realize his father is in an insane asylum. Wil Wheaton's character is torn between accelerating in his writing and trying to please his father after the tragic death of his own brother. Most people don't realize the complexity to O'Connell's Verne. Verne is simple, but sometimes the most simple things are the most complex. Verne takes abuse from his friends, but it strengthens his inner-self and actually produces him as one of the strongest characters in the movie.

I'm starting to make a habit out of reviewing movies based on Stephen King novels. The man is so damn brilliant and terrifying. I won't lie, the first time I saw Stand By Me, I was expecting a killer clown to appear and take out a few of the friends. But Stand By Me is truthfully one of my favorite films. Friendship and how strong its bonds are takes center stage. No scene is this more evident than in the pond scene when the boys go jumping into a pond of water that would only be deemed acceptable in most Third World countries. When the group re appears from the water, they notice they are covered in leeches and begin, frantically, to peel them off. There is so much terror and frustration in this scene, but through it all, each boy helps the other. That's what true friends do, peel blood sucking worms off each other's peckers.

Stand By Me is a coming of age film. It's a story about the loss of innocence, and it's a tale of realizing the difference between what is supposed to be done and what needs to be done. I like to think I share this same kind of connection with my friends like I can just call them up one day and see if they want to come questing with me. I mean, that is what this movie is trying to tell its audience...that the friends you share crazy experiences with will always last in your memory, right? I don't know, I liked it alot. And like every single James Bond movie, it has a song with the same title. Kudos to you too, Ben E. King.

Newsies

In this time of economic struggle, I found myself to be ignorant not to reviewing a movie that deals with such financial depression. Enter Newsies. Set during the Newsboy Strike of 1899 in New York City, Newsies follows the lives of young Jack Kelly (Christian Bale) and David Jacobs (David Moscow) and the obstacles they face trying to achieve fair working rights for newsboys around the city.

Christian Bale might be coming off a hot streak of great roles, The Fighter and The Dark Knight, but I consider his part in Newsies to be one of his finest. For an Englishman, he gives a hell of an American accent, and a New York one at that. But then again, Bale has never really played a character in his natural voice, except for Empire of the Sun. In The Dark Knight, he sounds like he has been battling leukemia for several years, but it is brilliant. Every actor in this movie, for that matter, gives a thick New York accent. That's not to say, however, that they are all effective. Crutchy (Marty Belafsky) has such an annoying accent that I want to jump through the screen and break his other leg. But Bale is a genius, and he can sing. When he is not busy flipping out on set and killing PA's, he actually makes some good movies

I really didn't know about Newsies until a year and a half ago, the movie at least. I had heard its music on the radio when I was little and fell in love with its sound. King of New York is by far my favorite track from the movie. Showcasing his own musical talent, Bill Pullman makes a special appearance and hums a few bars. What the film may lack in cinematic influence, it greatly makes up for with its choreography and music. Newsies is a musical before film, and it has set the standard, god I can't believe I'm saying this, for other film musicals.

Bill Pullman and Robert Duvall are two names that should have put this film on the map, but didn't. While film musical and Robert Duvall aren't two things that are usually spoken of together, Bobby gives his all in every scene. As a greedy Joseph Pulitzer, Duvall ups the acting potential in a film that really doesn't scream with acting experience. While he doesn't sing or dance, his actions convey the determination Pulitzer acted with to retain his money. Bill Pullman gets in the action to as a sympathetic journalist, trying to help the newsboy cause. His acting was substantial, but I wouldn't go as far as to say having a movie headlined with the name Pullman would be a knockout Oscar winner.

Newsies educated me. It told me that not every film is out to nab the awards or take home the gold. Some films are just made to for people to enjoy. At the end of the day, Newsies made me smile with its score and movement. I doubt, though, that the actual of Newboys of 1899 danced after every success they had. They were probably too busy mending their wounds from the merciless policemen and the spread of plague.

Movies I would force Hitler to sit through III

Ok, I get it. Satire is one of the chief forms of cinema and it can make movies pretty funny. Satire worked well in Armando Ianucci's political comedy In the Loop, John Landis's Spies like Us, and Ben Stiller's outrageous spoof of Lala Land, Tropic Thunder. As I dig deeper into this film, which I am about to crush, I understand director Peter Berg's motives for wanting to satirize superheroes. They are a symbol of perfection and goodness in the world. They represent the safety and security that everyone on Earth should feel while they are alive. Satirizing something like this could be funny, not This is Spinal Tap funny, but sort of funny. Well, I didn't find Hancock funny, not one bit. I got lost four minutes into the movie and never turned back. I thought, "why should I give this movie a second chance? what has it done for me?". So, Hancock, you're about to get bashed.

Hancock (Will Smith) is a boozed up, foul mouth, gangster-ass superhero. He doesn't give a shit about the city he protects, and the people of LA don't really care about him either. The bottom line is, Hancock has cost the city of Los Angeles more money in damages then Wesley Snipes and Bernie Madoff owe the national government. Things start to turn around for Hancock when a small time PR exec (Jason Bateman) offers to paint Hancock as a new man.

I'm usually a Will Smith kind of guy. I appreciate his work ethic and I think he has made some great films. Hancock, for Smith of course, is like the scar you get after picking a crusty, smelly scab. I guess the Special Effects make up for the lack of meaningful dialogue or an intelligent plotline, but a movie can only last for so long when based solely on animated flying sequences or walls being blasted through.

As for plot, character development, and dialogue (the things that actually make a movie good), Hancock seriously lacked in this department. At no point in time did I feel sorry for Jason Bateman's business failures. I thought his ideas were stupid, and during the first boardroom scene, I would have shut him down too. The relationship between Hancock and Mary (Charlize Theron) is confusing as well. I did not understand how exactly the two survived off of each other and at no point later in the film was that question answered. One of the worst decisions of this film was to create a villain. The introduction of Red (Eddie Marsan) occurred too far into the film and I did not have enough time to fully hate him. In fact, I felt a little sorry for him, what with having both of his hands chopped off!

Having to neg this film is difficult because, normally, I like the actors that were in it. Hancock, though, was like their acting abilities had been temporarily disabled and they were just winging it. I saw the potential of each character in almost every scene, but no one ever lived up to it. With just a little more effort, I bet this could have been a pretty cool film. But people just got lazy, and it failed harder then Pirates of the Caribbean 2. You're going to be pretty bored with this one Hitler, HA!

School Ties

Inglourious Basterds, Defiance, Schindler's List...what do all of these movies have in common? They all have Jewish lead characters of course! Duhh. School Ties is no different. In fact, School Ties is a precursor to most of these movies, despite its having nothing to do with World War II or the persecution of Jews in Europe. No, this story tells the persecution of Jews in a far worse place, a place where unimaginable atrocities occur, a Massachusetts prep school for Boys.

School Ties is the story of David Greene (Brendan Fraser) and his attempts to hide his Jewish identity at a prestigious private school where anti-Semites rule. David finds racial slurs in every classroom and must fight the urge to knock out every single Jew hater in the school, including his teachers and headmaster. What makes this movie even more rewarding is that Greene is a fantastic football player. However, this tiny detail makes me question the movies realism.

Matt Damon plays Charlie Dillon, a legacy at the school whose only goal in life is to please his family and make a name for himself. As Greene and Dillon start to become better friends, Greene's religion still unbeknownst to his classmates, the plot thickens with intrigue. Greene falls in love with Dillon's best friend (Amy Locane) which causes tension between the two. Just when the audience believes Greene could make a name for himself, free of any Jewish connotation, he is hit with a real zinger. His classmates find out he is Jewish and he is slapped up with cheating on an exam.

Even as an audience member, you think Greene might make it out of this one. But just like our people's reputation in history proceeds us, we get screwed over in the end. School Ties moral elements stem from humanities need to find a scapegoat and look past people's redeeming qualities. Damon, Cole Hauser, Ben Affleck, and Anthony Rapp give believable performances that assert their bigotry from the beginning. Time after time, however, Fraser accepts the verbal punishment that his people get.

Robert Mandel directed this school days classic and shot on location at Middlesex Academy. Being a fellow Massachusetts Prep school boy myself, I associated the brownstone buildings and orange and yellow foliage with everyday life at my school. I also made the close connection with how difficult it is sometimes to hide secrets, like young David Greene.

School Ties is definitely a learning opportunity. It can teach people to be accepting of all walks of life and not to judge those you do not know. It showcases talents that you would not expect from some that may just surprise you. This is one movie where I won't spoil the ending because it is a must see. All I will tell you is that my people finally get the upperhand. Yeehaw!

National Lampoon's Vacation

John Hughes penned this outrageous romp about one of the most natural family activities in the world, vacations. National Lampoon's Vacation is the title movie that spurred a whole series of vacation-esque movies including Vegas, European, and Christmas vacation sequels and prequels. But Vacation started it all. I remember watching this movie for the first time with my father and hearing Holiday Road being played in the background. I think we were in Colorado skiing or trying to ski and I had my gameboy in hand, Pokemon Red inserted of course.

Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase) is a pure-hearted American father who just wants to take his family on the best vacation possible, a once in a lifetime opportunity to visit Walley World amusement park. Hilarity ensues on the cross country roadtrip that brings family together and breaks them apart, and drags them back together again.

Clark reminds me of my own father. He works hard for his money and puts it into his family. I'm actually rescinding my first statement, my father does not share any similarities with Clark Griswald, my Dad is better. Clark Griswald cooks awful hamburgers, prides himself with his new puke green station wagon, steals money from Western saloons. His station wagon is bigger then most elephants and rides so low to the ground, it's bottom gets scratched when it turns.

The Griswald's get themselves mixed up in the funniest and most compromising positions. In St. Louis, they get their hubcaps stolen by vandals while Clark tries to pay off passerbys for directions. In the desert, Clark drives the car off the road and allows his son to have a few sips of beer which he soon polishes off. Clark forgets he tied a dog to his rear bumper and drives away for a few miles before a cop stops him. Finally, the Griswalds arrive at Walley World only to find the park closed and Clark on his last nerve. He buys a BB Gun and breaks into the theme park, enjoying rides with his security guard hostage (John Candy) and his family.

Clark does stupid things that make people laugh. He tries to provide for his family, despite his constant failure to produce positive results. What the audience understands, though, is his motivation. He is a family man who wants to achieve that American dream and be able to share happiness with his family. But because he constantly fails at gaining this dream, the audience laughs...because it is human nature to laugh at other people failing. Also, people like to laugh at other people getting hurt. On Barstoolsports, there is a video of protesters in Egypt getting run over by a speeding truck, which I'm assuming is there for laughs.

Anywho, I digress. Harold Ramis made a real winner with National Lampoon's Vacation. It was the starting point for so many movies of the comedic genre. NLV, I salute you and say, " Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes...or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball on twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away." Thank Mr. Hughes and Mr. Ramis. Thank you.

Little Giants

By far one of the greatest sports movies ever made, Little Giants combines America's natural love for competition and need to rag on those who are small and scrawny or wide and fat. I think back to my days in elementary school, playing two hand touch behind the school. I was a rather roundish fellow so obviously I was put at center, even though I had no clue what that position meant. I was so big that whenever friends would make teams on Madden '99 or any of the Backyard Sports games, I was the center or the catcher or the goalie, all because I was wide. Did I ever go on to play any of those positions later on in life...god no! Nowadays, I manage fantasy and live vicariously through Adrian Peterson and Drew Brees.

Little Giants is funny. It's stupid humor that just makes you want to give a chuckle. The plot is pretty basic. Two brothers (Rick Moranis and Ed O'Neil), I think you can probably guess which one is the tougher one, compete against one another to coach the best Pee-Wee football team in town. It's a classic film about working small children till they break, and then making them work some more. There are some very harsh undertones to this story.

All I can say is aging hasn't been very good to Ed O'Neil. In Little Giants, he has thick brown hair, a beautiful jaw line, and pretty broad shoulders. He plays a washed up football stud who dreams of creating a group of bloodthirsty footballers out of 5th graders. On Modern Family, he looks like he could throw out his back at any moment and this movie was only made in '94. Rick Moranis gives his classic small guy, big heart performance. No he isn't being the worlds worst scientist father in this movie or killing space plants. He is a dad whose daughter, Icebox (Shawna Waldron), just wants to play some football. Little Giants has fart humor, physical comedy, and quick wit all rolled into one.

I think I spotted one use of Special Effects and it was used perfectly. Jake (Todd Bosley), the team weakling, has a giant snot bubble blowing in and out of his nose. The son of a bitch just keeps blowing up and down and I love it! Forget Avatar, if I could pick one excellent use of SFX in cinema history, it would be this movie. The booger is fantastic!

Little Giants urges its viewers to look past pride when family is on the line. O'Neil and Waldron have one rather poetic scene where she is second guessing her tomboyishness in front of her uncle and he replies, "I think you're beautiful". Ahh, the power of family bonding can break even the tightest of rivalries. Only scenes before, he had been training his team of delinquents the proper technique for hitting girls because she is the best on the other team. Wow, her team must really suck.

My brother and I don't compete much because he knows I would win, but I can still learn lessons from this film. As for Rick Moranis and Ed O'Neil, well, we all know who made it out of the 90's in one piece.

The Big Lebowski

WHOAAAAA!!!!! This blog has three followers now, watch out Perez! Seeing as I have a bit of a cult following now, three strong, I want to review what I consider to be the greatest cult classic film of all time. I present you with the cinematic genius that is The Big Lebowski.

The Dude, Dude, El Duderino, his Dudliness, Jefferey Lebowski. The Dude goes by many names and it is for that reason he has propelled himself into records as one of the greatest American characters in cinema. He pays for milk in checks and bowls like it's nobodies business. The Big Lebowski finds The Dude (Jeff Bridges) being mistaken for another Lebowski, a much bigger Lebowski, and gears are set in motion that sends the Dude searching for a missing trophy wife and battling nihilists, yes, nihilists.

Joel and Ethan Coen are sick gods. What makes The Big Lebowski such a cult winner is its odd psychedelic dream sequences. One particularly groovy, Scooby Doo-eqsue sequence occurs after The Dude has been drugged by the porn king of Malibu, Jackie Treehorn. Quick side note, the Coen brothers nailed it with the names. The dream sequence features old music, bowling pins, and viking-clad Julianne Moores. It is so weird and so awkward to watch that I can't pull myself away. I know that somewhere beneath the grandpa laughs of Jeff Bridges and the checker box backdrops is a deeper message. 30 seconds into the scene, however, I am way to lost to even care about the meaning.

Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) makes this film what it is. He is a senile, angry veteran who proclaims his patriotism and his comrades' sacrifices at any time, regardless of his environment. He is also Polish Catholic and an observant Jew. Walter is a walking contradiction. He hangs out with the Dude, the epitome of laziness and solitude. He cares for his wife's dog, even after she divorced him. He observes the Sabbath for goodness sake! But Walter has the greatest lines in this movie "I don't roll on Shabbos", "Three thousand years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax, you're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!".

The Big Lebowski is an epic, comparable to the Odyssey, Huckleberry Finn, and Brave New World. It's messages ring true to this day, teaching us the importance of probably numerous things, but I will be damned if I can actually figure out what they are. Abide my friends, abide.

UP

Has anyone ever had one of those weird weekends when everything somehow seems connected like going to the circus on Friday, watching Operation Dumbo Drop on Saturday, and seeing a clown be arrested on the news for kidnapping on Sunday? Well, my weekend wasn't as spectacular as that, in fact, nothing actually connected. I did, however, watch UP on Friday and then had chowder with my grandparents on Sunday. Saturday was eventful.

UP is a PIXAR animated film that tells the story of Carl (Ed Asner) and his quest to bring his balloon-flying home to the top of Paradise Falls in South America. Along the way, he encounters an annoying Boy Scout, a mythical bird, talking dogs, and an aging adventurer.

Reviewing UP is a bittersweet experience. I can't remember the last time I held back tears while watching a digitally animated movie...oh wait, now I do...it was this movie. UP made me cry, plain and simple like John Boehner addressing the Senate. What is it about PIXAR that forces my tear ducts open. Finding Nemo's opening got the water works going. Toy Story's music just makes me weep like a girl. But UP ripped me a new one on a whole other level. UP made me feel bad for old people, it made me want to break into a senior center and steal all the elderly and bring them to a farm where we could all play together.

The animation in this film and the creation of character appearances is so well done, every crevice and every curve defines the personality of the person who wears it. Carl's face is square and gaunt, his scruff is visible and his brow line protrudes. His loneliness and sadness is evident in his looks. His story is ever present in the expressions on his face. Even little Russell's detailing (Jordan Nagai) proclaimed a small innocent boy whose only goals in life are to complete the present tasks. It is that relationship that makes for such a unique movie. Carl and Russell are polar opposites in their beliefs, but their will to accomplish whatever task is handed to them unites them.

I went to get chowder with my grandparents today, not because I wanted chowder, but because I hadn't seen them in awhile and UP made me appreciate them more. Carl and his late wife, Ellie, were so happy together in the beginning of the movie. Everything was done together and when Ellie began getting sick, Carl stuck by her. Thank God, my grandparents are in good health.

Look at me going off on a tangent trying to get emotional. The power of the film really hit me when Carl, on his last nerve, sits on his chair and opens his wife's adventure book. Upon seeing photographs of the two of them, he flips to the last page that says, "Thanks for the adventure, now go have your own." Get a mop cause the floors in my house got wet...that doesn't sound right. UP is driven by intelligent design, meaningful plot, excellent morals, and witty dialogue. And Carl is a tank; he is carrying his house by a hose for half the movie and climbing up Zepplins. All of this from a man who uses a walker!

Movies I would force Hitler to sit through II

I don't want to say that I had high hopes for this film because then it would seem as if I had been dying to see it. The Roommate didn't not meet my expectations, not in the least, nowhere near my level, nothing. Sitting in Lowell Cinemas with 100 other screaming and laughing pre-pubescent twats may have also contributed to my general dislike of the film.

The Roommate centers around an aspiring fashion student Sara (Minka Kelly) who ends up rooming with a schizophrenic Rebecca (Leighton Meester) for freshman year of college. Rebecca is highly protective of Sara and commits heinous crimes to block anything from coming in between her and her roommate.

As I watched this movie, all I wanted to do was find my freshman year roommate through Facebook and not be paired up with some loony the school sets me up with. Clumsy Sara left that tiny detail to chance and can technically blame the school for all the shit Rebecca put her through. Damn Department of Housing.

What really pissed me off about this film was its attempt to rip off such horror films as Psycho and Urban Legend. One of the chief means of intimidation used by Rebecca was to ambush the dorm cum dumpster in the shower and rip out her belly button ring. The whole scene reeked of Janet Leigh. The next event which really disturbed me involved a kitten, probably plague ridden since it was taken off the street sipping dirty puddle water, and a dryer. I believe I saw this exact scene in '98 when the Co-ed killer of Urban Legends decided to fry a puppy in a microwave. C'mon Hollywood, kill a baby animal with some flare, not just common household appliances!

I watched this movie for an hour and a half waiting to see some bitches get killed, and with a total of 8 truly main characters, two die within 5 minutes of each other AND with only 10 minutes left in the movie. That was it, two friggin people die in the whole movie. This movie was a sham, its ideas are photocopies of true cinematic genius. And the guy who played Sara's new boyfriend, the same one from Twilight (Cam Gigandet), talked with his eyes half shut. It was a major pet peeve the entire film. How the hell are you supposed to pleasure a woman if you can't even see what you're aiming for? As for the re-emergence of Billy Zane, the student seducing design teacher, I smell Razzy in the air! Hey Hitler, suck on this.

The Creative Genius that is BC tha kid- The Social Network

From time to time, I will be posting reviews written by outside sources, mercenaries if you will. I welcome all those wishing to take part in this glorious scheme. I present you with the impeccable tastes of the Cronaj.

First off, if you do not know who Aaron Sorkin is then kill yourself. Then, research his background on IMDB or wikipedia and proceed to watch some of his works: A Few Good Men, The American President, and Charlie Wilson's War.

In case you have been living under a rock for the past year, The Social Network is a dramatic film about the creation of Facebook and the mastermind behind the Facebook empire, Mark Zuckerberg.

Sorkin beautifully crafts his screenplay as an adaptation of Ben Mezrich's book, The Accidental Billionares, which introduces the two separate lawsuits brought upon Zuckerberg after the launch of Facebook. Thus, the movies focuses on the two aspects of Facebook, playfully bouncing around from the chronological events in the Facebook timeline to the lawsuits.

Now onto the cast of The Social Network... Jesse Eisenberg stars as Zuckerberg. Many people criticize Eisenberg in his portrayal, saying that he was too neurotic, austere, snide, devious, and a more suitable synonym for asshole. Personally, I thought Eisenberg did an excellent job in his acting because he added personality to the robotic Zuckerberg. Seriously, this guy is an emotionless wet blanket. I also liked Andrew Garfield as Eduardo Saverin, Zuckerberg's friend and business associate, simply because I didn't know anything about Eduardo before the film came out and Garfield can straight up act. The only character I didn't enjoy was Justin Timberlake, frankly, because Sean Parker was not as much of a stud as Timberlake portrays him to be, but it isn't a big deal.

Overall, The Social Network was not only my favorite movie of 2010, it may be one of my favorite movies of all time. The fast paced, witty, and incredibly detailed dialogue scripted by Aaron Sorkin is just amazing. Don't listen to any of your friends when they say they didn't like The Social Network because they couldn't keep up or understand the storyline, it's bullshit. Plain and simple, the movie blew my mind the first time I saw it, then the second time, and even the third time. The Social Network isn't a movie purely about Facebook, it's the story of the greatest social networking site that singlehandedly altered our generation, and I loved every second of it.

-BC tha kid

Cheaper by the Dozen

For those of you who have seen this movie and are questioning my morals and taste...suck it. I saw this movie in 6th grade and melted like a fangirl watching the Beatles perform for the first time. I'm a sucker for family comedies that involve Tom Welling, all one of them.

Cheaper By the Dozen follows the wacky antics of the Baker dozen, Tom (Steve Martin) and wife, Kate (Bonnie Hunt), and the wild adventures that occur in a family that doesn't practice birthcontrol.

As did most Jews, I saw this movie on Christmas Day. No one was in the theater so I was able to enjoy the film for all its worth. Even though each child in the Baker dozen had its own personality that contradicted with every other children, the on-screen chemistry the siblings was palpable. Tom Welling and Piper Perabo share responsibility and guidance for the immature gang, but Piper's limited on screen time gives Tom far more of an advantage. By far the most hidden gem in this film was Ashton Kutcher's role as Perabo's dick boyfriend. I'm not usually partial to his films, but Demi's husband/son/slave really made me laugh.

I enjoyed director Shawn Levy's film so much that I went home that night, researched the producers and director of the film, and sent each an email discussing how much I loved it. How adorable is that? A 6th grader emailing Hollywood power players his praise. To top it all off, Michael Barnathan emailed me back. I had no clue who he was before then, but I sure do now! And I'll top that one too! Shawn Levy went to the same summer camp that I went to for seven years. Hello Ice Breaker!

Cheaper by the Dozen made me laugh, thanks Steve Martin. It also made me thankful for the ample amount of free space I have in my home. Twelve brothers and sisters must be an awful experience. Forget about birthdays, how about dealing with the girls when it's their time of the month?

Movies I would force Hitler to sit through

Aside from praising the shit out of great films, I'm also going to bash a bunch. There is nothing I hate more then an awful movie, the kind that makes you think "Great, I just spent $8.50 on absolute garbage!" Then there is Adolf Hitler, by far the biggest dick the world has ever seen. I can't tell you the number of things I would have done to him if he was still alive (castration, purple nurples, dead legs, kidney shots, sitting through Something's Gotta Give). Since the creation of this blog, all 15 minutes ago, I have decided that another form of torture I will add to this growing list will be sitting through, what I consider, awful films. To start off this hopefully bountiful tradition, I present you with The Expendables.

The Expendables focuses on a group of mercenaries led by the sagging Sylvester Stallone and their attempts to dislodge a ruthless dictator and his rogue CIA accomplices. Trouble brews when Sly falls for a native woman at least 20 years younger.

I sit down one night with my bowl of Trader Joe's Orange Chicken and check On Demand. I'm thinking it's going to be a good night. I go to action movies and see The Expendables is available. First thing that comes to mind, the dumbass who said "it was like a mangasm!" Already, I'm being lulled into a false sense of security. I pay $5.99 for an HD version, hoping it can somehow improve my viewing experience. I've never regurgitated food before, but after the first scene on the hijacked freighter, Orange chicken was coming back up the pipes. For anyone who has seen the movie, Jet Li is an awful actor. Big fucking deal, you can flip and kick and punch, a computer can make me do all that shit too. Also, Dolph Lundgren has the weirdest voice. I'm not sure if he was trying to put on an American accent or if all those Soviet fitness roids fucked with his vocal chords. Either way, his character's breakdown in the first scene made me want to scratch my retinas.

The movie progresses and Sly and his English boy toy (Jason Statham) leave their New Orleans home (WHO DAT) to investigate the ruthless dictator. By this time, Bruce Willis and Arnold for Govaaanor have already made appearances, much to my dislike. Ahnald, go back to comparing lifting weights to cumming. Forced chase scenes and awkward moments of dialogue riddle the rest of the movie, Mickey Rourke's monologue about seeing a woman jump off a bridge left me humming to take up the awkward silence. I didn't realize just how terrible this film was till the ending scene when the small group of mercenaries kill every single soldier on this Cuban-wannabe island. Chuck Liddell could never kill Steve Austin, never in a million years. You try getting up after a Stone Cold Stunner. Special Effects in this movie looked as if Sly hired a Thai teenager to animate fire and blades. Eric Roberts ends up impaled on a machete that looked about as real as Ru Paul's boobs.

All in all, I hated The Expendables. Mr. Mangasm got me pumped up for this action hero combo. But how can you have an action hero combo without Van Damme or Chuck?????? Where the F was Jackie Chan? Hitler, burn in hell with this piece of garbage. Auf Wiedersehen!

Numero Uno

This is going to be the greatest movie blog EVER. Move over Ebert, sit down Roper, the Gilmiester is coming to town. I feel like a teen father, taking my newborn blog into the world and teaching him (gotta continue the family name) the skills of life, feeding him more blogs to make him bigger, getting people to read his reviews cause like Clarence says, "A man with friends is never alone". I thought why not christen this beautiful baby blog with a spectacular review of its namesake movie The Shawshank Redemption? If Shawshank was a prostitute, I'd pull a Richard Gere and buy it all the fancy things in the world. Make it all nice and respectable.

The movie starts out with Andy (Tim Robbins) being wrongfully accused of murdering his wife and her love. Although she deserved this death for dishonoring the sanctity of marriage, the Maine judicial system found Andy guilty and sentenced him to life in prison at Shawshank. Inside, Andy makes friends with Red (Morgan Freeman) and embarks on different adventures exposing corruption and greed all the while making friends and enemies.

Aside from making life inside the can seem like fun, Shawshank explores human nature in unexpected situations. Andy deals with rapists, corrupt wardens, brutal prison guards, but manages to still remain sane up until the ending of the movie. By the way, I'm not going to sugar coat any of these reviews, SPOILER ALERTS are my shit. Despite the obstacles that continue to block Andy's path to freedom, he continues carving his tunnel out. I know if I had to choose between digging an escape tunnel or planning a way to defend myself from the sisters, I'd start sharpening my shank. Fight or Flight baby.

Writer/Director Frank Darabont shapes Stephen King's novella into a cinematic masterpiece. First off, the prison they filmed at is absolutely spectacular. Each brick tells a story and the yard is haunting. Now, I've never been to prison before, but the view from inside a cell seems so condensed and claustrophobic. I'd stay in my house for the rest of my life if it meant never going to prison. I almost felt that Darabont built up the tension the entire movie so that an orgasm of emotion could explode when Andy finally crawls out of the sewage pipeline and into the rainy, stormy night. I want to cry, scream, laugh, and yell all at the same time.

Pretty much, The Shawshank Redemption runs shit when it comes to being a good movie. It explores the complexities of friendship in the big house, the need for sanity by any means, and ultimately, how to hide a 20 foot long tunnel from a Evangelical warden. Shawshank illustrates the horror and humanity of the big house, without the Latin Kings or Aryan Princes trying to run table.