Movies I would force Hitler to sit through

Aside from praising the shit out of great films, I'm also going to bash a bunch. There is nothing I hate more then an awful movie, the kind that makes you think "Great, I just spent $8.50 on absolute garbage!" Then there is Adolf Hitler, by far the biggest dick the world has ever seen. I can't tell you the number of things I would have done to him if he was still alive (castration, purple nurples, dead legs, kidney shots, sitting through Something's Gotta Give). Since the creation of this blog, all 15 minutes ago, I have decided that another form of torture I will add to this growing list will be sitting through, what I consider, awful films. To start off this hopefully bountiful tradition, I present you with The Expendables.

The Expendables focuses on a group of mercenaries led by the sagging Sylvester Stallone and their attempts to dislodge a ruthless dictator and his rogue CIA accomplices. Trouble brews when Sly falls for a native woman at least 20 years younger.

I sit down one night with my bowl of Trader Joe's Orange Chicken and check On Demand. I'm thinking it's going to be a good night. I go to action movies and see The Expendables is available. First thing that comes to mind, the dumbass who said "it was like a mangasm!" Already, I'm being lulled into a false sense of security. I pay $5.99 for an HD version, hoping it can somehow improve my viewing experience. I've never regurgitated food before, but after the first scene on the hijacked freighter, Orange chicken was coming back up the pipes. For anyone who has seen the movie, Jet Li is an awful actor. Big fucking deal, you can flip and kick and punch, a computer can make me do all that shit too. Also, Dolph Lundgren has the weirdest voice. I'm not sure if he was trying to put on an American accent or if all those Soviet fitness roids fucked with his vocal chords. Either way, his character's breakdown in the first scene made me want to scratch my retinas.

The movie progresses and Sly and his English boy toy (Jason Statham) leave their New Orleans home (WHO DAT) to investigate the ruthless dictator. By this time, Bruce Willis and Arnold for Govaaanor have already made appearances, much to my dislike. Ahnald, go back to comparing lifting weights to cumming. Forced chase scenes and awkward moments of dialogue riddle the rest of the movie, Mickey Rourke's monologue about seeing a woman jump off a bridge left me humming to take up the awkward silence. I didn't realize just how terrible this film was till the ending scene when the small group of mercenaries kill every single soldier on this Cuban-wannabe island. Chuck Liddell could never kill Steve Austin, never in a million years. You try getting up after a Stone Cold Stunner. Special Effects in this movie looked as if Sly hired a Thai teenager to animate fire and blades. Eric Roberts ends up impaled on a machete that looked about as real as Ru Paul's boobs.

All in all, I hated The Expendables. Mr. Mangasm got me pumped up for this action hero combo. But how can you have an action hero combo without Van Damme or Chuck?????? Where the F was Jackie Chan? Hitler, burn in hell with this piece of garbage. Auf Wiedersehen!